Wednesday, July 28
Taking a loop on my way to ngee ann seemed predestined.
it was a golden opportunity to take in the sights and sounds of the frenzied world -
a world i have been living in oblivion of, with much intent.
In the distance was a couple perched on a bicycle.
a black, rusty, dingy one, as i distinctly remember.
clad in simple garb, their young faces already lined with worry.
i swear, they couldn't have been older than my eldest sister.
yet, in their eyes, i caught a glimpse of love and contentment.
it wasn't for gaudy clothes, or flashy cars.
it was for unspoken love, polished and toughened by the hard times.
or was it worn out and evanescenced?
Somewhere after i fell to silent introspection,
i waited with a book in hand, quite sullenly.
It was a bus-stop at a less well-to-do place.
there was no way i could glue my eyes to the book.
an old lady swaggered to where i was.
her straggly hair, crude words, loud voice
altogether made a much more interesting source than mere words.
she cursed; she swore
she lifted her dress; she scratched
she spat, she cursed again
it wasn't for want of attention, or candid cameras.
it was for true expression of distaste, however unwelcome.
or was it weariness of the civil heart, let down once and again?
It's a gloomy day, the very image of my turmoil.
if i were to continue anymore,
i reckon i'd not make it to awake tomorrow morn -
for my leaden heart would have cracked apart.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 6:56 PM
Sunday, July 25
When the music doesn't - or rather - refuses to fade.
When the thumping induces nausea, their careless comfort frustrates.
When everything and everone seems to be in a common conspiracy against you.
THEN YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GET A MOVE ON.
The dreading overflows with each minute movement of the hand.
i feel so left out, so dispensable.
Perhaps, my value has run into overtime, long ago.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 10:23 PM
Friday, July 23
Absence does make the heart grow fonder.
I really learnt to appreciate my family more, after i shifted out. Many a times, I'd taken things for granted - things that are untagged by mere monetary values. It's fascinating how a little hardship opens up perspectives in a person. Here i am, devouring food like i've never tasted before, and it all just goes to show i'm much blessed by God.
Quite the contrary, circumstances remains ever-awkward with friday evenings. An excellent opportunity to reveal my fickle nature, no doubt. To go, or not to go - that is the question. The dilemma repeats itself countless times, sl-o-wly creeping into my veins to settle down, for good. Residence, cumulative and cultivative, no longer presents itself as an intruder, much less a bother. Now, that is bad.
OH, HOW I'D LOVE TO LAY MY HANDS ON THAT PRANCING GIT.
Ever again, i chide myself for a certain lacking in patience and love. It comes so naturally, i don't know when it started at all. Somehow, I'd lost all forgiving goodwill through the recent spate of events, which unfortunately spun out of control. Perhaps I was at fault for being overly critical, yet it is but human to brim with cynicsm and disdain.
I've entered the phase of being pressurized by my surroundings. The people weaving in and out of my life have succeeded in striking panic and fear right down my core. I shudder in silence, at others' progress and expectations. And i cringe at my own misintepretations and inability to put things right.
Above all, I'm still searching for answers. Answers to impossible questions. Impossible requests. Impossible prayers.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 11:08 PM
Tuesday, July 20
i must confess, actually no. i am just a compulsive green-eyed monster.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 9:39 PM
i must insist that love is overplayed and romanticised so awfully that i have lost faith in it. tis' sadly so, but fact remains to evidently tell the tale of how warped minds disfigured love and defamed it.
love does not culminate in physical intimacy, one for sure.
love is not cultivated from glorious sunsets, gentle seabreezes and the candlelight dinners.
love is not an animate object, where it can die off or change courses on its own will.
love does not come in a one-size-fits-all style, never in the past and never will be.
why am i rambling about such an abstract theory, you ask? right. i'm bored and feeling philosophical, like when i did the arty farty writeup.
yeah. that's it.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 9:29 PM
i came around.
i had been rather nasty the past week, churning out snarling entries - disdain and sarcarsm aplenty.
w-e-ll. i deleted those entries. i want this blog to hold the brighter moments of my meagre life.
don't be too happy, though.
the tension in the air still lingers, and i fidget most uncomfortably.
yet there's always the spontaneity to dispel that perpetual gloom in me.
perhaps i was, indeed, baptised in lemon juice.
no - that was purely jesting.
i do try to be nice from time to time, but circumstances don't come in perfect, bite-sized packages.
i am always disgruntled about their careless frivolity.
it's what they term karma? when stiff-upper-lippers purse their lips in vexation (pun intended, h a h) over my attitudes, and now i'm in their shoes?
it's a vicious cycle, see?
God will help, in all the faith i can trigger.
God has become this single entity, most prevalent in my life, now.
fellowship has become secondary, possibly out of ranks.
sooner then i'd expected. much too soon, i reckon.
my life is a simple affair:
God --> family --> blog --> school--> God
come away with me.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 8:13 PM
Thursday, July 15
in a myriad of theories revolving around human reactions, most are stripped of all reasons or justifications with their own. it's an ugly side nobody ever wants to admit to. possibly selfish, jealous, insecure and afraid.
vey afraid.
perhaps optimism is indeed fear in disguise. but that's debatable.
if only the catharsis theory holds true, then humans could just go indulge in media-violence and feel satisfied. nobody would have a cause to blow their top and turn nasty.
if only.
i realised the importance of nonchalance.
i prayed very hard.
it all crumbled.
let it all go.
shut thy eyes; seal thy ears.
resign myself to fate -
hear, hear!
the night is cold, dark and long.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 10:33 PM
Tuesday, July 13
i'm back - yet again.
i guess life is always unfair.
things don't go my way all the time.
God can't spoil me and grow the brat in me, either.
but... D A M N
D a m n
D A M N
d a m n
............... D A M N ..................
it just had to happen that way. things had to go all awry in ONE pathetic, problematic, pesky day.
PHOOOEY!
but at least i take comfort in it being a tad less excruciating than the worst scenario i had painted. but cursing away here does not lessen my disappointment in any way. and note, i do not usually vocalise my outrageous swearings and cursings, which very unfortunately race through my ditzy mind. simply because i should not. my choice of words are not the kind you are well-acquainted with, for instance, 'fuck' or 'damn', and i would definitely prefer to reserve them for my personal pleasure.
so now you know how displeased i am.
i'm tired of how poly students think sexual issues and explicit words are hip and interesting. sure, it's intriguing and not a tabooed subject to me, but pleeeeeease don't make it sound like you're so desperate to talk about it, in a poorly-wrought attempt just to put on a false front that screams I AM COOL AND LIBERAL!
ditch the lascivious facade. licentiousness is just over-exploited for far too long.
i think i'm too hard on myself sometimes.
living up to expectations, however, is a lifelong committment.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 8:21 PM
let me document my nerve-wrecking speech yesterday, now.
see, it was a sales pitch for a new invention. i had a ridiculous product made of something nobody has heard of, and i'm not too sure myself.
BUCKWHEAT.
ah. it's the goodness of the Lord. i could have fainted on the spot, gasping for air or turn tomatoe red.
but i made it. it was an incredible miracle. my speech outline was completed yesterday itself, a mere 2 hours beforehand.
well, you couldn't blame me. all of us didn't know how to do an outline. the lecture was yesterday, too.
i did wobble a little in my faith and fumbled near the end, but i held on and God was merciful to the very end.
thank God.
today's my location video presentation. i watched the tape just moments ago. it was, a tad poorly produced. what's done is irreversible, so let's just pray that it's not taken into account for my final grade.
i need to get adobe photoshop CS for my graphic comm module. but i don't know how. please help poor ol'deb here.
i'm so terribly worn out after yesterday. yak-yak-yak. that's all i do now. it's my forte. just like what a senior aptly puts it - m y . m o u t h . n e v e r . t a k e s . a . h o l i d a y .
this blog is turning into a stereotypical 'today, i went [insert venue] and did [insert activity]. then hor, yada-yada-yada... yada-yada..
i need entertainment, i need stimulation, i need release.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 12:34 PM
Friday, July 9
i am beginning to like FMS.
despite the heavy cameras, bulky tripods and untimely rain in location video production yesterday.
despite some unpleasant encounters in school.
despite my incessant worries about slutty, vain creatures invading my social-circle.
i have some very nice classmates, as i discovered over the week. there's always nurul to while away time with; pearl to make me laugh my guts out; hana to offer the help i'm desperate for; lynn to worry about bothersome laptops together; reka to share her earth-shaking perspectives on men. not forgetting people i've met from within and without FMS, of course. They are enough to comfort oh-so-crestfallen-debbeee and convince her to move on.
i'm swamped by the madness. deadlines are drawing near, so what's my business plopping my lazy bum in front of the computer? my only excuse is that i desperately need emotional-release, before THE real DEAD line arrives. i do not enjoy wakes very much, whether in or out of the coffin. yet i'm sure some people would be popping the champagne over the news. shoot 'em.
i can't wait to get married. doesn't matter who the groom is, i suppose, for now. i just want to don the gown and feel the rush of excitement. actually, guess i'm seeking stimulation, not marriage or love, to be precise. i'm talking gibberish now, because i can't collect my thoughts. dominick lies when he said media provides stimulation. don't even dare to argue about porn - i'll sue you for slander. get married, when i don't even have a prospective partner, seems stimulating enough. then that'll give me a chance to read the book on divorce and its aftermath in NP's library. well, someone's gotta do the book justice, in any case.
or at least, i thought.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 5:06 PM
Thursday, July 8
let me have a go at THAT persun.
i'm almost cringing in helplessness and digust, lacking of a certain self-control in maintaining a dignified image.
it does not even matter who the target is, because i'm beyond repair.
you might think i have a personality defect: anti-socialite, cynic, haughty one.
if you insist.
nobody even realises. or suspect, for that matter.
i ought to receive an oscar's, in recognition of my superb skills.
nobody even bothers, or attempt to anyway.
i can manage on my own, thank you very much.
exclusivity does not nag at me.
yet, i lie.
sensitivity heightens towards your intrusive nature.
or perhaps, it was mine? in your eyes?
misjudged, misjudged.
wit and intellect; maturity and age -
are each
separate
entities.
i'll retreat
into my own world.
enjoy my own company
perhaps one day you'll find yourself
hating the brat in you.
(i'll offer the heartiest congratulations, i promise)
d e b b e e e kvetched at 10:46 PM