Monday, March 29
i am sad (cos' i'll be eating my words)
yet glad (cos' i'm not compromising and am making my solemn announcement rhyme)
to announce that i will not be necessarily closing down my blog. instead, i will take a blogfast
come, repeat the mantra after me... blogfastblogfastblogfast
for my guest readers' reading pleasure (welcome and unwelcome alike), i shall reveal that i've quit my job. the one that attempts to steal all life and happiness away from me. why, you ask? i am about to embark on my journey to seek my true self in Christ. not in this world, mind you, but in Christ.
which will thus, equate into a month or longer of fasting and praying, meditating on His words and listening, living like Him and making that all last.
by announcing this, i hope all guests would take me seriously and not disrupt my serenity. hah. no lah. i just want to say pray for me. even if you dislike me. i pray for those whom i dislike one what. what's wrong? all the more you should, cos' God will then change me and mould me. likewise...
got inspired to do so from the same old blogger from below's entry. interesting blog that is. might as well, since i'm about to go for my music missions. time to gear up and make things less messy before God (it's almost impossible to have me straighten up things thoroughly.. but nothing's impossible with God)
i will proclaim. Christ has been working, is working, and will be working in me!
prepare yourselves for a new debbie. do not harbour much high hopes, though. i am but human. most of the change takes place inside anyway, so i'll still be the boring ol'debbie.
maybe i'll change my appearance as well - snip off my tresses. muahahaha
any suggestions? i'll be reading.. just not writing anymore. for the moment. hah.
God bless you all. may the peace of God rest in your hearts
d e b b e e e kvetched at 11:39 AM
Sunday, March 28
oh. i have to add this entry. ripped off from a blog i always visit, yet i do not know the owner. but it makes a nice finale. you can't have anything bad to say about this, i'm sure. take that.
Taking God Seriously Galvanized on Friday, 26 Mar 04 @ 03:04 AM
2 left comments on this thus far. What say you?
Take you seriously? Am I not taking you seriously enough? I attend church every sunday... I always bring my bible along! I'm praying to you write now ain't I? Didn't you see how high I raised my hands to you during the last worship session? I admit that sometimes I do forget... but I do read your Word from time to time... I even set aside some time to do my quiet time with you... am I not taking you seriously enough?
Are you doing all these things because they're meant to be done? Did you really worship Me? You seem to be really quiet the rest of the week... you know that? How about all those negative thoughts up in your mind? The things you write in your journals show a lot how much I mean to you... you know that? Do you just set aside some time to be with Me and leave me floating around the rest of the time while you indulge in all other activities casting aside the knowledge that I am with you always? Is it such a bore or even shame to take Me seriously? How have you been a testimony for Me in the places you've been to... or have you been more of a stumbling block?
And... in doing all those that you've mentioned... Did you find it more of a hassle or joy? Is it so hard to love Me for all that I've done for you, my child?
His arms are always wide open.
They never close.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 10:07 PM
alright peeps..
this may very well be the last entry (or so) in this beautiful blog (brag, brag)... it belongs to me, i might want to add. hah.
i feel over-exposed. like esther's previous sentiments on her old blogspot. people are commenting on my blog. not too positive ones.
do i compromise? let me say this - my heart and conscience stands clear before God and Man. i thought everything over carefully before entering and publishing the entries. even the ultra depressing ones. i entered it, i mean it. take me at my words. but these are my inner-conflicts. as literal as it gets, inner implies the fact that i do not bring them out into the open. so do not use my blog as a subject to strike up a conversation with me. that stinks.
everyone has inner-conflicts in their minds, it's just that i choose to document them. agree? good.
i don't think i've done something wrong. i do not pin-point names, i do not bog others down with my opinions. my dislike for greentea as stated in my blog does not compel any visitors, welcome and unwelcome alike, to boycott greentea as well. my passion for planetshakers does not require anyone who has read my blog to share a common fever for them in order to be my friend. geddit? geddit?
but nonetheless, i shall do as i say, maintain silence and peace. i shall thus, move on to a private site to seek solace in God. and no. i am not going to be a hermit in the Tibetan mountains. that's the inner me. the external, flesh debbie will still be your sister-in-christ who will still serve in church, who will just let peace overflow from her life, in hope that it will touch those around her. incident and accident inclusive.
i'm tired of speaking in vain. what is meant to be heard doesn't. what isn't somehow reveals. you know it, don't you..? it's foolish for me to go court trouble. i shall not move. then perhaps trouble will bypass me. perhaps that's contradictory to my past stands. i had a poem on trouble being bent on knocking on your doors regardless of your movements. changed. i have changed. alot. over the past few weeks, months even. never knew if change would be good. wait. and see.
come, repeat the mantra after me. peace with you, peace with you, peace with you comment before you miss. now or never.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 10:03 PM
Saturday, March 27
saturday devoted to music missions. woke up and started praying about it. thought about it whilst writing my testimony for the trip, grinning from ear to ear. went for the final mass training session. had team meeting. dinner with team mates.
awesome
boy am i glad that i am part of the music missions team. simon officially announced the roles of every single member. vocalists includes dorathea and me, plus a few others who would be doubling up as guitarists and keyboardists. still quite hazy about the entire band. but i'm sure there'll be plenty of time to know them. dorothea is very much a nice person. i'm already liking her. (=
okay. recount of friday aka doomsday. horrible. i was late for my interview. much credit goes to those idiotic ngee ann students who directed me to the sports complex instead. i may look blur, but i'm certainly not naive - i don't any-o-how talk to strangers, especially guys with blond hair.
i digress.
alright. i eventually reached the place 20 min behind time. i met hostile interviewers. answered unexpected questions. left distressed. very much distressed. made my way to changi airport for what is termed the triumvirate's 'mucus episode'. introduced popeye's to esther and jean. managed to steal 2 people away from KFC's clientele. hah. had a fantastic time exulting over mucus-lookalike gravy in the mashed potatoes, mucus-lookalike soap, basically all things mucus. yum.
still unable to perfect the art of self-portraits on jeans digicam. laughed myself silly over esther's scandalous photos. jean is indeed a qualified paparazzi. hah. waiting to compile a triumvirate album with all the stupid photos we took. some sweet, some foolish, some ugly. that's life. for you and for me.
i have sucessfully decreased words that come out of my sinful mouth. tho' it made me seem ultra depressed. maybe i should smile more and talk less. yeah - that's the way. just look to God and don't bother about anything that does not concern Him. concentrate on prayer and music missions and support raising. i've gotten 250 in actual cash. still waiting for God to miraculously bless me with a kind, generous person who will bless me with a large sum. still contemplating about asking pastor tay to get the church to fund me partially. i am soooooooo excited. i don't know how i'm gonna do all that, but God is going to make a way for me. PRAY!
d e b b e e e kvetched at 10:35 PM
Thursday, March 25
nothing to do.. nothing to do.. i twiddle my thumbs.. fiddle with the mouse.. tap my fingers on the keyboard..
you might have already guessed that i'm on leave. bingo. what's better, i am gonna be on leave tomorrow, too. i hate accounts; i hate numbers - think like trying to balance accounts worth SG$301,526.00 (see? the mean figures are stuck in my head) and you just can't find that miserable l'il SG$3. it's a huge improvement when i was doing another set of accounts and couldn't match up SG$20,000 or so. what's worse? there are external auditors from Ernst & Young in the office i work in. they always give me the are-you-alright-or-need-my-help looks when i am highly stressed up. it's awfully stressful when professional auditors are near your undone accounts.
then my colleague had to announce to the whole world that i have absolutely horrible handwriting. excuse me? i have to scribble in unprofessional shorthand while you blab away on how to use the programme! and everybody laughed. great. why am i supposed to have beautiful handwriting? i like to scribble. and i shall so hold on.
i feel terrible nowadays. down in the pits. i look horrible, too. dark eye rings even darker. pimples pop up like wonder mushrooms. so much for having better complexion. i just don't have the energy and perserverance to keep up with the 4-step skin care. i just want to drift into sleep and not wake up to another care. ever. i feel fat. i feel unhealthy. i have been gorging myself with junk. neglected my supplements. shoved the veggies and fruits aside. i just want fried, oily, fattening, awfully sinful food. i will balloon into an enormously fat creature, and wallow in despair. to aid me in coping with the depression shall be MORE food. and the vicious cycle goes round and round and never ceases.
my upcoming sorrow, in case you haven't noticed, stems from the fact that i'll be heading for d-day tomorrow. interview at ngee ann. *gulp*
i don't know how to prepare myself for it. will they ask me on current affairs? test my general knowledge?
i will sure pengsan one leh. and den i will tok hor in singlish one leh. and den i will kenna kick out coz' dey dun wan me. and den i will cry lor. d=
d e b b e e e kvetched at 1:50 PM
Wednesday, March 24
if i get to choose.. i want to get married when i'm 25, give birth at 27 and divorce at 30. that sounds good. cos' my husband will decide to have a fling with a beautiful, young woman. i'll then lose the custody of my child and die at 33 - that jerk of an ex-husband will murder me in order to abscond with the insurance claim. or maybe i'll die of grief. cos' i'll remarry and he'll be mangled in an accident.
whatever.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 12:49 AM
i am redeeming my sanity through the world's droning mad rush.
work. dates. appointments. movies. dinners. quiet moments. frenzied cabbing
jerk me back to hit the ground. with a good ol' resounding bang. my head will be ringing, but at least not floating in some fantasy world in awesome perpetual timing.
perhaps i've grown cocky over the past months. i've been coarse and vulgar. uncouthed and pretentious. loud and revolting. VOILA! you get the pleasantly different debbie whose words are dripping wet with disdain. and you exclaim, debbie is as nice as ice to me! absolutely no credit for making your words rhyme. so scream at me and puncture my inflated ego so that i will rapidly lose confidence and thus shrink back into the tiny, insignificant debbie once again. yet no credit for the one who decides to make my path swerve from one gutter to the other.
it's merely another accident, all over again.
to think that sunday's sermon had to be on God's sovereignty, when i just contemplated on re-auctioning my life to good ol' fate; pin all my hopes and heap my trust on fatalistic faith; lead a day-to-day life and die in total happiness.
i'd be simply content with meagre living. but, nay.
time for silence to reign in. i'll meditate in silence. i've decided to wait. in silence. shift over to slow-motion. move not till i receive ultra clear instructions that screams stark against the hollow quiet. until peace settles in. it may be 2 months, may be 5 years, or even a decade or 2. perhaps by then i'd have attained a higher level of maturity in His presence. yet, perhaps not. it may not be radical living, but it certainly beats insanity.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 12:36 AM
Monday, March 22
Losing My Religion (Original)
by REM
Ooh, Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much, I set it up.
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep a view
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool,
fool
Oh no I've said too much, I set it up
Consider this, consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip, it brought me
to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing aground
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep a view
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I hadn't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
To Try, Cry, Fly, Try
That was just a dream
Just a dream
Just a dream, dream
d e b b e e e kvetched at 8:57 PM
any advice on how to curb sarcarsm? i am clueless. it has long been part of the debbiean culture. bad.. very bad.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 7:23 PM
i find strength in the Lord
i am strong. i may be dangling precariously by the edge, but i'll not fall. the devil will not have his cake and eat it. i will not be bogged-down. at least not by one person, or some silly kiddified issues that irritates me.
returning to mundane office-routines gave me space and time to ponder. i have been rather high-strung of late. somehow, i've allowed things that i know should not bother me this much - well - get the better of me. but that doesn't mean i condone absurd bahaviour. i'll remember that i am supposed to guide them with what little knowledge and experience God has bestowed upon me.
that sounds really noble, yeah? i haven't exactly mastered the art of free giving, in terms of forgiveness. i am a petty person. but i'll change. i can only settle for the best i can muster - swallow all malice back into my tummy. keep my mouth shut. anti-social debbie's on the return, yet i think that's my best plan for the time being.
i'll survive.
i thank God i still have Him, and for the friends He has given me. friends who have stood by me, offered me advice, encouraged me, assured me, salvaged my sanity and not regard me as some melancholic, eccentric psychopath. thank you
d e b b e e e kvetched at 7:22 PM
Sunday, March 21
swinging seemingly
noticed this phrase in esther masalah's blog. it just kind of identifed with me. so much. i'm dancing in extreme euphoria one minute, and -POOF!- ultra-depressed and demoralised the next.
i thought i could do it. i really did.
responded to altar call this morning to seek peace and rest in God in times of oppression. yes, it sounds serious and yes, i am under oppression. my heart's really gnawed beyond recognition by that verocious thing called anger, vehemence and bitterness.
it has a long name and it definitely goes a long way back. i have over-estimated my own mental strength. i under-estimated devil's crafty ways to exploit my weaknessses.
youth. the process that made my excitment dwindle to zilch in about two seconds. i was crushed. i was itching to yell,' HECK - WHAT'S ALL YOUR PROBLEM? HAVE YOU ALL JUST BEEN MAIMED OVER LUNCH? IS IT THAT SHAMEFUL TO EXPRESS A LITTLE LOVE FOR GOD? AND LIFTING HANDS IS NOT COMPELLED TO REPRESENT THAT YOU ARE WORSHIPPING!'
stop giving me that look. i am so damn tired of it. no, i am not a madwoman. neither am i an idiot. why should i be subject to your steely inspection? i am not a piece of meat in the market. stop acting like you're too cool for anything. i know you have your fanclub, but get this straight - you are not a rock-star. here, i've said my piece. yet no guts to spit it out in her face. i am not ready to be swamped by a new bout of fresh tears. how ironic. not ashamed of letting tears glisten in public, but ashamed of dancing for God. so she has about completed her fanclub recruitment drive. she has gotten all the people to do her bidding. she's the princess, and i'm the outcaste who's exiled from the 'palace'. well done.
i curbed my urge to pour everything out during youth's discussion. i was determined to not be bothered. i was prepared to let everything just fade into history's slurring whirl. i was ready to attempt at loving her just because God loves her. i was
my passion, my fire. it's burning, scorching my insides cos' the fire can't spread. all the heat is trapped in me. i'm going to die soon of complications - extreme heat, emotional burns, too much bleeding of the heart. i look at myself in disbelief. debbie is actually so frustrated. all because of one person.
i've morphed into this aggressive monster. i laugh out loud, grin like cheshire, talk in incredulous tones; all done in hope of supressing my depression. it's infectious. just as viruses are.
i'll drown myself in work. in the nitty-gritties of everyday life ever so mundane. shut out all thoughts. then perchance i'll blow a l'il slower. a pretty good chance of not even making a big hoo-haa over it. i'll just keep quiet. my words do not carry much weight either. or else what has been shared in the past few days would have impacted them. she sure has a knack for crushing me.
i'm not sure why everybody sniggered when i said i have problems with about every problem mentioned in ephesians 4:17-5:20. don't they? it's all easy to say. words are cheap - i affirm once again.
repeat the mantra after me : words are cheap, words are cheap, words are cheap.
when you want to get down to doing it, hah! you'll know what i'm struggling with. it's sheer helplessness. i am wringing my hands in exasperation. not an inkling of an idea of what to do. i hate to admit, but i am depressed again. you may think i'm just melo-dramatic. perhaps i am. but i am feeling like i've been robbed of all my new-found joy. the shock of the loss is still seeping in. only much greater. it sorts of tingles, then numbs your every nerve, making you insusceptible to outward emotions.
*************
i know it's not a joy to read my blog. it's never meant for you to read and add your two-cents worth of complaints about why it's not reader-friendly. read and give constructive comments. otherwise keep silent. or i'll snarl at you. i'm aggressive.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 11:33 PM
Thursday, March 18
i am sooooooooooooooooo excited that i am sick!
haha.. why else do you think i'm here in front of the comp, blogging like there's no tomorrow? i can't wait to see what happens this sunday. nothing. NOTHING can crush me now. i am invincible, cos' God is with me! mwahahahahaha...
i'm not depressed debbie. not dao debbie. i am dancing debbie. i'll dance with all my might before His throne! i will be happy for Him, because of Him, in Him!
Open Up The Gates by planetshakers
We come into this Holy place
To bring a sacrifice of praise
Bow down before you and seek your face
We sing of the mighty things you've done
Cry out to you
"let your will be done"
Tell all the World you're the Holy One
Hear the shouts of praise
As they're rising up to you
Come and fill this place
As we bring glory to your name
Open up the gates and let the
King of glory in
Fill this house with praises as we
Lift our hands and worship you
Open up the doors and let your
Glory fill the earth
King of heaven we dance before your throne
King of heaven come and
Take your place
Dwell among us as we
Seek your face
d e b b e e e kvetched at 9:00 PM
how come civilization eroded
i am addicted to ancient chinese tales. those cheesy, nonsensical ones on tv and vertical-thousand-word-novels. they may be a tad silly, with all those stuff about magic, immortals and undying love, but they definitely inspired me with a bunch of fresh insights. like the fact Man had become utterly barbaric, compared to those gentlemanly, chivalrous 'shu-shengs' and virtuous, demure maidens of the past. see what have the devil done to our wonderful 5000 years of ancient chinese history. he totally twisted it.
where's the 'i would die for my spouse' mentality? where's the 'disrespect your parents and God will strike you dead' belief? where's the beautiful, romantic courtships? where's the undying love?
don't you dare say i watched too many shows. that is not the truth. it is a twisted tale. come, repeat the mantra after me...
it's Man who have ignorantly believed in the devil's lies.
debbie, debbie, debbie is on fire
she doesn't need the devil cos' the devil is a liar! (repeat)
if you're down with my Jesus,
throw your hands in the air
SAY YEAH!!!
(YEAH!)
who's got the praise?
we've got the praise!
who d'you give praise to?
JESUS! (repeat)
whooooooooooaa.......
hey! hey! hey! hey! hey! hey! hey! (repeat)
give me a J!
J! you've got your J, you've got your J!
give me an E!
E! you've got your E, you've got your E!
give me an S!
S! S! S!
give me a U!
U! you've got your U! U! U!
give me an S!
S! S! S!
what does it spell?
Jesus!
who's the King?
Jesus!
who's the Lord?
Jesus!
what's His name?
Jesus!
Who's the one?
Jesus!
one more time!
Jesus!
if you're down with my Jesus,
throw your hands in the air
SAY YEAH!!!
-infected by the passion for Jesus.. during the planetshaker's concert at synergy!2 conference.-
my heart's redeemed, bit by bit. thank you, Lord.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 8:47 PM
Monday, March 15
i'm uninspired to write love poems nowadays, true. but i have exactly the inspiration for hate poems now. good enough for me. the power of the pen. no. the might of the mouse.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 1:57 PM
Put a flog to my being
Let me savour agony
Perchance
Then would I recover
An inkling of ecstasy
Steal the sight from my eyes
Let me grope in darkness
Perchance
Then would I recognise
The brilliance of countless
Plunge me into an abyss
Let me fall without end
Perchance
Then would I realise
How strong did I stand
d e b b e e e kvetched at 1:44 PM
nuah-ing debbie
yes, i am on leave again. why? can't i?
okay.
i NEED to stop wearing incredulous looks and bringing on the skeptical tones whenever i talk. or write, for that matter. usually, this cynical treatment is reserved for those highly-dislikeable people in my opinion. the outburst of overwhelming, dramatic emotions expressed in my words and distorted face are to mask my horrendous abhorance.. for whatever the subject may be. but i have shruk the exclusivity of such treatments, to the extent of almost everyone around me having tasted such bitterness from my soul.
i don't have a heart anymore.
i have betrayed myself.
i sold my conscience, dignity, pride and principles for a poorly-wrought facade of oh-so-likeable-ness.
i sat with her at the same table.
i struck up a conversation with her.
i smiled at her.
a deadly smile.
i felt so fake-o. i had to distract myself by talking to another person. immersing myself in his beautiful memories. but the vehemence is gnawing at my heart, bit by bit. then -poof!- it was gone. i am heartless now.
i wasn't kidding when i said i'm depressed debbie, courtesy of a non-too exciting game in youth service. i really am.
nobody believed me. everyone chose to be taken in by my ugly mask. by that falsely-cheery smile plastered right on my face.
isn't there anyone who can discern? the answer is obvious.
talk about being radical youths. radical christians. you can't even fend for yourself. i know popularity is not the point. i am not in church for a popularity poll. i would stand up for my stands. i don't even care if the entire oikos turns against me cos' i am such a stubborn mule.
by all means. as you like it.
yeah right.
look at me. look hard.
i did not speak up for him. i kept quiet. i rejected him. i shrunk back. i recoiled into my selfish core. i let the stupid people make fun of him. i didn't say anything to help him. my stand have devolved into nothingness. i betrayed myself. not totally yet. i am still not as desperate as to let tears glisten in public to earn sympathy. i do not resort to such means. i cried once in church 4 years ago, and that shall be the first and last time. i will be strong. i will not cry over a single phone call. i will not cry over guys. i will not cry over bitches. i will not cry over my own weaknesses.
i will laugh out loud at their stupidity, frown upon their insolence, spit in their faces, stare at them straight in the eye.
can i ever do all that?
d e b b e e e kvetched at 1:01 PM
Saturday, March 13
i want to quit already.
call me weak-willed, feeble-minded, whatever. i just want to nua at home. devolve into a useless blob of parasitic living cells that continually require feeding. much feeding. i don't like myself anymore.
not that i did before. perhaps there's a negative threshold lurking behind all boundaries. then i would progress from neutral credit to a debit. serious debit. because i still have to ladle out generous portions of cheer and goodwill from the non-existent pool of spiritual well-being.
love one another. how easy that sounds, and the deception of mere words. have any idea how terrible i feel when a fake-o, cheery 'hi!' is uttered in front of my darkening face? i'm well-versed in pulling off flawless pretence. few defective acts go unnoticed under my nose. requiring me to love that person is equivalent to wringing me by my neck and dangling me over the balcony. i struggle helplessly
let's stop pretending to be angels. all of US
d e b b e e e kvetched at 1:55 PM
Thursday, March 11
http://gen12ii.everystudent.com.sg
alright. i figured out why people can't access the website link i provided. i have been a great, big, fat masalah from timbaktu. it's gen12ii first, then everystudent in the address. hehe.. paiseh, paiseh..
i am so terribly worn out. i am sneaking this post in between the tight wed-thurs-friday schedule :
wed work
-->
wed p&p (which i conveniently missed)
-->
thurs work
-->
thurs oikos leader training class (contemplating on..)
-->
fri work
-->
fri oikos ( . . . )
-->
and finally the weekend!! er.. but it's like an even tighter schedule on weekends. serving in sunday school and youth this sunday. dear me. i am slowly evolving into a walking zombie. programmed to just drift along life's hectic, ridiculous pulse. and i am really, really, really falling sick.
oh Lord, please lift me up
d e b b e e e kvetched at 7:16 PM
Wednesday, March 10
she is reading my blog
all innermost bitchings have surfaced.
no longer a secret.
no more do the thinly-veiled sarcarsm and abhorance struggle;
bound under wraps of discreet pretence
i am sure of it.
how do i act?
correction -
how shall i react to her reactions?
or a lack thereof, more likely.
why feign ignorance?
why the nonchalance?
come up front.
have a show-down.
release the unseen forces
of bitter emotions.
allow them to stream as a pulsating bloodlife, threatening
to eclipse
any flickering
flame
of favour.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 9:12 PM
Monday, March 8
backtrack to the daily grind
i hate stapler bullets. the gigantic kinds. the ones that would cause your fingers to be pricked beyond recognition. i thought the hole puncher was bad enough. clueless? well, whenever i have to pumch thick stacks of paper, i got to stand up and exert my body pressure for it to punch a single hole. yes, regardless of the thickness of the papers. so as expected, the recent lunchtime joke is debbie's lack of strength and how my colleaugues should invest in quality breakfast for me to build up some form of strength. at least to overcome that heck of a hole puncher. hah.
i hate dreary, cold, grey-weathered days. they seem extremely long and draggy. they make me whiny and lethargic. i couldn't pick myself up again after lunchhour today. i was.. like jell-o. a lump of frozen, formless, wasted fat in the office. i am falling sick. all because of the terribly polar-ish climate my office. especially at my table. you would think air-con came free there. or maybe i should just hibernate at home tomorrow.
slacker
d e b b e e e kvetched at 10:48 PM
i want to praise God again and again for his enduring mercies that are new every morning.
i am well on my first step in support-raising, all credit due to God and God alone. i am such a hopeless clod, but coupled with God, i am such a wonderful creation. this eminds me of a certain speaker's words (can't remember his name..), which are deeply imprinted in my mind.
man is like the numeral 0. we are nothing on ourselves, by ourselves. we are insignificant, non-existent, worthless.
God is like the numeral 1. He is the first and the last, Alpha and Omega, numero uno. He is the One. unlike us, man.
as helpless man, we put God before ourselves, and as God begins to work in us and through us, we multiply in manifold. we are not worthless, afterall, but instead are worthy vessels of His use. just like this --> 1 0 (we become 10 in numerical worth)
1 00 000 000 (.. and so on..)
hehe..
amazing analogy, huh? that's how i know God can use me for His glory.. *beams*
d e b b e e e kvetched at 10:39 PM
Sunday, March 7
when will she start being nicer to me? do i really have to smile at her when she snubs me every time i see her? when will she and her fanclub stop staring at me everytime i surface in their line of vision? it's so damn obvious, so much that it hurts. oh, does it. am i such an ugly blot that ruins the entire landscape? am i?
okay. so the mr. president is her ardent fan. so i would never stand a chance against her in a head-on conflict. not that i want to, anyway. she'll win right away with her ear-splitting laughter. God knows how vicious her shrieks can be. fine. she has mr. president. but i have God. hah. how can she win me ultimately? i am trusting God. relying on Him. claiming victory just so God can change her. mould her to be more.. likeable.
okay! i know i sound super-prejudiced. so i must admit that i am prejudiced against her. but nonetheless reveal my own weaknesses and minus points. but let me just say, in my opinion, probably deemed worthless anyway, i am definitely the victim here. somebody please save me by counselling her. oh please.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 10:21 PM
hallelujah!! praise God for his marvellous ways!!
guess what? i raised my first twenty dollars for music missions!! it was all by the grace of God. i emailed like everyone on my mail-list, regardless of whether i had even a vague idea of who the person is. and God, working in amazing ways as usual, sent the first monetary blessing for my music missions to me as this guy called Noslen. thank God for him, man! he's from J21, a person i have never met or heard of before. it's all like so... God-induced! only my Redeemer could have done this, okay... right, so i'm trusting that he wouldn't forget me and his blessing to me, so much so that my first sucessful support fizzles out into nothingness.
I REJECT THAT IN JESUS' NAME!
ohmigosh! God is really wonderful and marvellous. like what i sang in service today.
i stand amazed
in the presence
of Jesus the Nazarene
and i wonder how He could love me
a sinner condemned unclean
how marvellous
how wonderful
and my song shall ever be
how marvellous
how wonderful
is my Saviou's love for me
really. I'M SO HAPPY!! i'm still praying for the blessings to not come streaming in, but gushing in! tee-hee!
d e b b e e e kvetched at 9:40 PM
Saturday, March 6
i've been happy too soon. far too soon.
i just realised i'm on duty for sunday school on the 14th march.
you know what's going on, don't you?
yes. there's a special night service for a special speaker on that day.
i'm definitely going for it.
what's the big deal?
this - youth service commences on that day, too.. what a.. *ahem*.. coincidence.
problem? i'm expected to be in church from 8:30am all the way till 10pm.
golly
solution? either fall short of the expectations or ... ... or oh well, pray for strength then.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 11:29 PM
i am really, truly going for music missions! yipee!!
went for my very first gen12ii meeting and i seriously thank God for giving me this superb chance. my team-members are nice, my team-leader is ultra-funny, the other teams are friendly, everything is better than i've ever perceived!!
hahaha...
but wait. every silver-lined cloud has it's dark side. (yes, i'm that pessimistic)
how do i go about raising $1800, pray tell me?
all my dear readers, SUPPORT ME!! financially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally! oh please please please don't wait for me to pipe up before you take action. i would squeak and stammer and eek. (and yes, totally unlike the blogging debbie) it's time to practice a little initiative, huh? i am worrying. i am insecure. i am already thinking of the worst.
*gulp*
d e b b e e e kvetched at 11:20 PM
Thursday, March 4
i must watch dirty dancing - havana nights. at all costs.
splendid. sensual moves and slick footwork. upbeat cuban numbers. salsa intoxication. throbbing euphoria. what more can you ask for?
just watching the trailers makes me sooooooo... excited! anyone to share in the eager anticipation? =) chill, it's time to release all the stress evolved from the daily frustrations of endless work.
rush, rush and more rush. that's three words to describe my daily routine nowadays, lasting all the way till.. end of may? yeah. then it'll be MUSIC MISSIONS!! haha.. you have absolutely no idea how good that sounds to me right now.
hallelujah! praise Him for everything!
d e b b e e e kvetched at 8:17 PM
Wednesday, March 3
i lost all inspiration for love poetry. i want love poetry. i crave for it. i desire it. badly.
help.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 9:30 PM
debbie the over-utilised oddjob worker
amazing. i actually fooled myself into waking up at 6 every day to drag myself to work in SIA Engineering Company, a restricted area. guess how troublesome and draggy the journey can be? it's beyond what you can imagine. it takes even longer than what i need to travel to SAJC!
horrible!
security is so tight over there that guards practically swarm all over the grounds, barking at the pathetically sleep-deprived us. what to do? i need the money. $1800 is what i need for music missions (in case, err... i don't get enough sponsorships)
i'm working at the finance department, along with all the highly-stressed accountants who move at high speed, leaving me gaping in astonishment at their pace. i know it's ironic - debbie the math-idiot is working with numbers. thank God i only deal with menial tasks like zapping (i'm dying of overexposure to radiation) and filing (disfigured by tons of papercuts). for your information, i am situated in the expenditure section, which translates into colleagues who are daily strangled for cheques, cheques and more cheques. ranging from mere $40 to eye-boggling $400,000. but seriously, thank Him that they turn out to be pretty friendly people who are really sorry to be working in SIA. haha.. but there's alot of office politics going on in the office. SCARY. hopefully i won't be churned within. i am just but a temp staff.
i am sooooo exhausted! be prepared to rendezvous with deb the panda-human. =)
d e b b e e e kvetched at 9:26 PM
Monday, March 1
how on earth am i going to enter mass comm in ngee ann poly when hundreds of applicants are ousting for a vacancy with me?
don't make me think of it. the mere mention of it makes me shudder. to be competing, not just with o levellers, but with their parents as well. parents shooting me murderous glances when i whispered my identity of an ex-jc student to the administrator. i got the urge to holler after 'em," hey! what's wrong? i know i am stealing a vacancy from your son/daughter's cohort, but what am i to do? go stare at other people, alright? i am not the only one!"
solution: i went to temasek poly to apply for their communications dip. just for some meagre reassurance. went to the counselling booth to ask for an application form, and wound up listening to the ranting of darryl david, who apparently lectures there. well, not that i was really fascinated by the pyramid game in the past. spent half an hour in ngee ann and 3 in temasek. we're talking about efficiency here! then after much pointless enquiries, i was told to queue all over again if i wanted to apply for design dip. no thanks. i originally intended to apply for design too since i was already there (to have a teeny-weeny bit more assurance). not to mention i have to pay another 7 bucks for the next application. huh~! did they think i was a rich lass with too much time on my hands?
i am insecure. i am unconfident. i lack the 6 point results. i lack the seductive good looks. i lack the heavily accented english. i prayed to be myself, just to uncover the gruesome truth that debbie is just this small fry existing aimlessly on the face of this earth. nothing outstanding about her. nothing terrible either. but that's exactly where something is terribly wrong.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 5:58 PM