Sunday, May 30
03A31 class party
or positively, a gorging session with familiar faces. good food, good company, wonderful feelings. even if i am awfully bloated and guilty for being anti-social.
my konnyaku was basically lumps of purple mess. hah. alright, it WASN'T that bad, okay? it was just that........ ho-hum. anyway, 'qing ren guo' is really funtabulastically yummy! so if anyone knows the similar in english, please kindly drop a comment or tag me. it was such a delicacy.
(note: all these appraisals are generated by a hard-core carnivore)
now, repeat the mantra after me. i shall never approach MOCHAMISU ever again, i shall never approach MOCHAMISU ever again.... come, repeat it after me...
it was wonderfully dreadful, meaning it was sinfully rich and good, BUTbutbut too much so. it made me feel queasy for hours to come. and to think i was looking foward to tiramisu! i just want desserts! and not much after all..
oh but worth mentioning is definitlely hai ha....'s seniors' (hah) vietnamese spring rolls in some fish sauce. oooooooooooooooooh... they were crispy, appetising, and savoury! oh yes! and rebecca's chicken wings! candice's shepherds' pie! and the (list) goes on...~
basically it was a food galore all round, and i tasted abit of everything. the only minus point was rebecca's dog, whom nobody warned me about beforehand, and the lack of mahjong tiles to relieve my hands of their constant itch. rebecca's dog is quite okay lah, once i got over the initial shock. tame, quiet and nice... but hungry. hahahh. he's called lock-key or something. and jean is one humungous irritating pest who decidedly leads him to people like yvonne, janice and me. (we do not fancy dogs very much) and the lack of tiles! and basically the whole evening was devoted to honing anti-social effects, and practising gymnastic moves with jeannie piggy, and being teased by esther-the-strong-arms. hah.. wonderful night, wonderful.
it was worth laying down a ministry i struggled with, to have beautiful sights of how other others are doing, to have pleasing fellowship. i would definitely say i saw more of God's goodness in the party than in the room with horrible orange curtains and loud drums.
i want to give up, but i should not, and i shall not. i will live oblivious to anything else but God and family (close friends are considered family already). in order to glorify God and placate my beloved family, i will achieve academic excellence. so my entire life will revolve around these three areas.
Running After You
by Planet Shakers
Your Word is a light unto my path
Your Love guides me through my darkest night
And even though sometimes Your ways
I cannot understand
I?ll never walk away because my future?s
In Your hands
I don?t care what people will say
I?m running after You
I won?t turn back and go their way
Coz I?m running after You
Yeah I?m running after You
I?m running after You
(I will run to You)
I don?t care what people will say
I?m running after You
I won?t turn back and go their way
Coz I?m running after You
Don?t matter what may come my way
I?m running after you
It?s You I?m following today
I?m running after You
I?m running after You
Words and music by Mike Guglielmucci
? 2003 Planet Shakers Publishing
Administered by WORD Australia
d e b b e e e kvetched at 11:00 PM
Saturday, May 29
triumvirate outing.
definitely one of the best times of my life, formally encased in memory's lane, shimmering and reminiscised, for many years to come. they are the ones who made my limited time in SAJC bearable, who brought a smile to my face through the tears, who invoked laughter in me when i am perpetually green and pale. albeit the occasional bad food (oh-kaaaaay.. a teeny-weeny bit more than occasional, then) and crowd, triumvirate outings are what sustains me, through the gloom of endless possibilities (mostly pertaining to socialising, with dark connotations) in polytechnic education.
ah yes. i am afraid of the looming 3 years ahead. i'm unsure of my ability to go through yet, another orientation. i got to know jean better, only like after the entire orientation was over. orientation, in other words, are just not my thing. i like meeting new people, but i don't like the struggle of trying to know them. especially, when i'm like a year older than all of them. esther knows my pain - those prancing gits. i'm most appalled when someone tries to one-sidedly acknowledge me as some elder sister or mummy, in a 'close-relationship' style. i can take jokes, but not clingy-ness. (perhaps jean would like to share her experience on handling such friends, hah.)
M-U-T-U-A-L. Mutual, spelled with a capital M, is the key-word of exclusive, true friendships. it's a two-way traffic out here!! anyway, i must not allow myself to swerve into the worldliness of the poly trap. i must stand firm in faith, love and morality. AND let jesus' glory shine through. it's gonna be difficult, i guess, but i'll pull through. Paul, esther's buddybuddy, proclaimed he can do all things through God who strengthens him, so can i. i don't mind being labelled as a 'religious Jesus-freak', but i will run the race and reach the finish-line in Heaven, where God will be smiling down upon me.
so, fellow triumvirs, in 3 yrs time, you'll be in your senior year at varsity, but don't you dare abandon this carefully-wrought triumvirate. (at this point of time, jean will do her [blink, blink] innocent, lem-bek look, and esther her [wide-eyed, gaping jaw] powerpuff gal look. hah. cheerios, here's one for you
d e b b e e e kvetched at 12:22 PM
Tuesday, May 25
- so debbie's quitting school. yeah, its a really fast decision that took me by surprise. she was really sweet and wrote pass it on cards for me and jean. there's this whole issue of loomong seperation ahead. was really depressed when we had our kind of last truimvirate meal at macs today. actually, i really admire her courage and resolution to make such a life-impacting decision, to not conform to the 'ideals' of society. to pull out of the rat race. i think it took a lot of faith for her to pull out and just trust in god's greater plan for her life, degree or not-
reading it just pains me, in a positive manner. i'm swamped by raging regret, gladness, weariness and hope - all rolled in one. perhaps God had led me to that page, just to read these bitter-sweet words, written so long ago. God's timing is always perfect.
thank you, God. thank you, esther. thank God for you and your witty blog entries to brighten up my gloomy days. right, wait - there's more.
...today i had the most quiet dinner. it was super awkward... i sat there wiping my glass of water and turning it round and round. i sat there drinking water. the water at country manna is nice. so is the oven-baked rice. every minute was a torture as i sat there filling my bladder. it rhymes it rhymes. esther is feeling hyper, its the mocha. haha... same feeling that you get with panadol and coke. i'm not going to eat dinner with masalah ever again. i'm traumatised. i don't like her over-friendliness and her fako-ness. geesh.... poor masalah's other half, had to eat dinner alone. tsk tsk, how could she be so heartless. under the threatening circumstances, i went with esther's book of survival strategy no. 226, thou shall answer with one-word, monosyllable answers. or just laugh. laughter is the expression of fun. then after the dinner with the fantastic waiter, we went on a kiddy tour of suntec city. woohoo, we followed the touchy, fairy-tale like, compatible( the kind that goes together like peanut butter and jelly. real sticky.) couple. we happened to walk past mothercare . together we saw stong maternal and paternal instincts. foresight tells me they're going to have a happy family. i love my blog, no qualms about writing crappy stuff here. masalah is a old meanie, she has the i-want-to-get-to-know-you-but-you-must-not-know-me mindset. i have the i-don'twant-you-to-know-me mindset. and anybody knows that when i space out, i should not be disturbed. i'm communicating with a higher force. haha... its not funny to whack me on the head. scientists have proven that everytime you whack your head, you kill a few brain cells. thanks man, i just lost some. i think jean has sore eyes from seeing the wrong things and debbie's still in shock. masalah was so hyper today. she seems desperate to keep in contact too...
boy was i in shock. i'm like totally appalled by what i saw. so this reminds the triumvirate NOT to dine with her again. jean, drop the idea. let's just send her a nice present on teachers' day this yr or something. NO meeting up with her. oh yes, and i propose to have pastamania on friday when i see you guys in sch (just so that i can laugh at you guys vacationing at toiletbowl-land together).
i DO miss the triumvirate and our silly antics.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 7:16 PM
you know, loving God is one thing. expressing your love for God, is yet another issue. then loving others as God loves me, is abysmal.
i'm a cranky neighbour. i do not, really, practise 'love thy neighbour as yourself'. i don't love myself THAT much anyway, so they might not appreciate me loving them that manner.
okay. i know i'm trying to excuse my irrelevant behaviour, but there's not an inkling of the faintest notion about how to love people around me. i'm befuddled. oh, so totally. let's not talk about close friends (and i DO mean friends only), who are easy enough to love. sure, i can be nice and smiley to acquaintances too, but that's not exactly 'love'. perhaps, the word overplayed? or am i simply too nasty a person?
love, love, love. i'm rather repelled by this word nowadays. 'hate' too. it's tiring swerving from one end's ditch to the other. plus, hitting the curbs of human perception.
but it'll be even more tiresome to tango to the rhythm of neutrality.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 8:25 AM
Monday, May 24
my sanity wasn't mine to keep
it crept in the stealth of the night
away and away
author of my plight
leaving me to weep
too dear a price to pay
deprivation of sleep. inconsistent resonances. plunging morale.
puffy eyes. runny nose. salted pillows.
messed-up bed, crumpled quilts, tissues aplenty.
and the weather that mirrors my moods.
i abhore them altogether.
'i' am never mutually exclusive.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 7:50 AM
Sunday, May 23
cocoa(80%) inertia
there's not a drop of blood
that carries not bitterness
realization hits
-hard-
to wax lyrical
still unwilling
to shed
expired winsomeness
to patch
supine inclinations
d e b b e e e kvetched at 11:08 PM
suddenly thought of the local show 'love poetry' while having popiah. strange, yes. but exciting, still.
problem: no inspiration. no passion. nothing. zilch.
solution: wait. wait for God. wait for God's timing. wait for God's timing to answering my incessant prayers.
how very irritating. (eeks. that sounds so bimbotic. esther? HELP!!)
d e b b e e e kvetched at 7:54 PM
eeeks. my voice's totally gone. i sound like a quacking duck. no. worse - a bullfrog. almost there. compliments of leading in sunday school today with the WCM which couldn't stay in place. AND bellowing like a moose in youth.
ah well. thank God that it'll be my last time leading worship, for a rather long time to come, i foresee. it's taxing to juggle ministries, you know. and all these leads to a loss in passion to sing for God. that's really not a good way to repay God's gift of talents to me.
not that i'm really talented, but hey! when i really fervently serve God with what i have, He will multiply 'em. ho-hum.
NEWSFLASH!
'twas her nightmare, from the very depths, 'tis very day.
captain's ball. and learning from past mistakes, she wisely sat in the shade. (for the ignorant, debbeee was hit squarely on the head not once, but twice during the previous game, risking concussion or at least induce stupidity. note: both balls were not directed at her. one even had to sail across 2 adjoining court to hit the bulls-eye.) butbutBUT, accident-prone-debbeee doesn't escape just so easily. whilst reclining against the pillar at the front porch, the ball immediately detected the bulls-eye mark, once again. thank God for not-so-quick-but-just-in-time-reflexes that saved her. or maybe it was angels deflecting the ball.
*ending music plays in the background*
i don't know, and don't want to know who threw that ball, but i just want to thank God. i hate balls. yes. all kinds. no - wait. excluding the edible ones. hah. (impulsed to do the dodo balls song, umm... but.. ah well.)
d e b b e e e kvetched at 7:22 PM
Saturday, May 22
i watched loveactually
i didn't catch most of the stories. well, it's kind of hard when you are trailing 10 different ones within 2 hrs. the only ones i understood was aurelia and jamie's, and karl and sarah's. even sarah's story was a little too quick to pass through. she's engaged. so why is she engaged, when she's in love with karl? then why is she trying to bed karl when she's engaged? hmmmm. but it does help that karl was rather good-looking.
only aurelia's made sense to me. or perhaps i'm just thick in the head. the whole show was rather scandalous. hey, but i thoroughly enjoyed it. it's like a collection of stories you'd only hear in your dreams. or maybe it's just singaporeans' scathing perspectives. or maybe i'm simply afraid of the 'you-are-wrong' mentality that comes with such bold actions.
sizzling hot
i am such a wussy at times. i lack the courage and impulse to pursue many passions. i'm mindful of too many things, brimming with regrets and yearnings, far too aften.
living up to others' expectations all my life is tiring -no- almost cruel. i need to sleep more, eat more, have fun in life. be myself, exude the total goodness of hedonism.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 9:39 PM
TROY was such a let-down.
Homer's gonna turn in his grave. hollywood totally demeaned his literary talents in The Iliad. what with Achilles and the apollos' alcolyte's love affair. something's got to be said about supposed virgin vows for greek priests and priestesses alike. and Helen's portrait of a brazen slut! my beautiful Helen of Sparta! how could they make her out to be a loose hussy who's just smitten with Paris' good looks? (not that bloom was, anyway) what's more, Ajax the Great die within the first hour, Patroclus died without much of a fight. good'ol Ajax didn't get killed by some stupid soldier, alright! he committed suicide much later in the end, quite stupidly, but much more honourably. and the war that lasted more than a decade seemed to be less than a month in the show. not quite what Homer had intended. visuals didn't make me flinch as his epic poem did. hollywood's message was definitely ringing clear: live for LOVE, fight for LOVE, die for LOVE
not exactly what i was looking for when i entered the theatre. i do not mean LOVE!
one thing that was good - how disgusting they portrayed Agamemnon to be. oh! and not forgetting King Priam! oho. i loved King Priam. and i'm quite jealous of jennifer aniston.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 4:20 PM
hmmm.. free hosting? let's see what is it all about..
woah! awesome!! now i can post all the nice nice pictures here, without sourcing for hosting websites! certainly saves a lot of hassle.
good news! good news!!
quick update on fever04's xciting first stop!
someone once said: youth is regretfully a period of missed opportunities! go ahead: prove them wrong! be part of God's new breed that marches to a different beat: his heartbeat! see the open doors! seize the day! bring his love and hope to the hungry, harrassed and homeless peoples of asia! your first stop:
missionXchange
+ hotline 6270-1221
+ fever04@joshua21.org.sg
HighLights:
+ MissionMallMission agencies, churches and different ministries all under one roof to get you out to the streets, slums and shelters of Asia. Check out the variety of service opportunities and project designs on offer. There's more than you can imagine!
+ TalkShops
Friends from World Vision, YWAM, Mercy International, Habitat for Humanity, Operation Blessing, Touch Community Services International and others will inspire you with their stories and "get-real-go-mend-a-broken-world" challenge!
+ MediaMission
Reality TV from the field! Imagine a whole theatrette set aside to screen short movies and impact clips that will open your eyes and move your hearts. Sources: World Vision, Unicef and others.
+ Special Premiere!
Generation Hope: Meeting Jesus in the Slums What does it mean for an entire generation to live in poverty? Go behind the headlines and statistics to find out. Don't miss this specially commissioned documentary. Shot in India, Cambodia, Thailand and the Philippines, it is a compelling first person account of a young Singaporean's journey into the slums and dumpsites of Asia - and into the very heart of God.
date June 24 and 25
venue Anglo Chinese Junior College
dover close east
nearest mrt: buona vista
time 10 am - 6 pm
xchange counters open 8 am
Official launch 10 am
Be seated by 9.45 am
admission
By ticket. Ask and it shall be given! Get ticket from your church or from Joshua 21. Bring ticket to xchange for a goodie bag of surprises!
Special xchange rate: only $4! Pay on-site. Come with friends. More tickets available at the door.
fever04 tees
2-day special sale you're going to love!
GOing all out for it - with you!
mrs lai-kheng pousson
antioch 21 special assistant, on behalf of j21-fever04 team
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
our website just got a new look!
::check out the brand new www.joshua21.org.sg now::
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
J21 Concert - 11 Sept 2004
FEVER'04 - 03 Dec 2004
Mobilising teens and twentysomethings in world mission
d e b b e e e kvetched at 4:02 PM
Thursday, May 20
it's nearing midnight, yet i'm still tapping away at the keyboard incessantly. there's this yearning in me. the kind that wrenches my insides. i don't know what, exactly, am i longing for. experiencing emptiness. feeling hollow.
sickening
my ear's blood clot has dispersed, but hearing is still imperfect. i certainly don't enjoy nasal scoopes very much, much less operations. i don't fancy the idea of cutting my nose up, thank you very much. even if it supposedly makes me look and feel better. really, i can't bear to go through the suicidal stages again. there, a hazy fragment of my memory that made this past 10 months seem like a dream.
you know, i'd really look on the bright side of life, if i could help it. but wilde's words are deeply impressed upon my mind.
The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
somehow, somewhere inside, i know it's true. self-denial at some point of my life. it's but a fine line between simplistic faith and mastered gainsaying. i am not at all the expert on such, as yet. i'm trying. i'm giving up all and not to think optimist, but to just lean wholly on God. blind faith, you say?
ah well.
if blindness be the mark of relief, let me be.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 11:35 PM
i've changed the template of my blog. it looks much brighter and cheerier now, doesn't it? time for some ethnic touches in my life. asain chic... i'm not much of a chic, say.. but it doesn't really matter anyway. there's a major masalah with the font thing on this tamplate. it's irregular. i'm getting really frustrated now. i hate html stuff. they're out to get me, i think.
woke up too late today to visit jean in school. thank God for that, cos' esther's recuperating at home. if i go over tomorrow, i won't be able to see ol'mdm chan. i wonder if there are still security guards at the main gate. are there? i'd prefer not to see them. got to make sure linwei's there, too. haiyah...
it's time to meet the i-talk-very-slow-but-don't-rush-me-dr.-peter-loo again. i've skipped his appointments for almost half a year now. but due to desperate situations in which i wish to have perfect hearing again, i've got no choice but to see him at clinic h today again. eeks.
it's one of those i-forgot-why-i'm-living-days. maybe it's because of the funny greams this morning. can't remember exactly what, but it left me griping. out of boredom, i played sims. and i created a tragedy out of them - a 'murderer'. she killed her own husband. he was burnt to death, trapped within some stupid fence. then i got her a new husband, somebody whom she knew only for a day, barely. it's a tad tickling how sims characters fall in love so easily, but it's all actually quite a heart-wrenching affair. then i realised my dreams were similar to the tragic comedy i put up. still can't exactly recall the details. not that i want to, anyway. right, i'm rambling now. i just feel the need to head some steam off before i blow up. things are just happening way too fast for me to catch on. i hate that.
i'm afraid that i won't be able to find friends like jean and esther in np. friends who share similar interests and crappiness. it's this cold, clammy feeling cramming into my guts. fear. fear of being turned away, being misunderstood. i may insist that i don't care what people will say, but deep down inside, i am quite perturbed, still. there's this fear of us drifting away from each other too. then i'll be left with myself.
and i truly detest that notion.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 1:50 PM
Wednesday, May 19
SAJC WON THE A DIVISION BBALL CHAMPIONSHIPS!
the mad cheering, at the expense of my delicate voice, made my trip down to toa payoh stadium worthwhile. i haven't felt so much for SAJC in a long, long time. not since i joined council. how ironic.
i really do miss SAJC loads. seeing cassandra there didn't make me feel any less exasperated. regretted not donning my SAJC uniform. silly me. esther even gently suggested that i resembled a tennis player with my cap. what's wrong with my cap, you masalah?! i miss tying the SA tie. it's quite fun trying to get 9 stripes everytime. haha. i can't believe that i forgot eunice's name. i had to ask esther before i started to realise. stupid me. was awesome to see stacy, as pretty as ever. the funniest part was to see BX fall over HC ppl. twice.
i'm making myself feel worse now. alright, time to SLAM jean.
YOU STUPID MASALAH-RISH, TOOT-ISH, SILLY TWIT!!
wassup with you? what you want? where's your school spirit? rather, where's your triumvirate spirit?!
i made my VIP guest appearance and you were not there to receive me! i can't believe you chose to sleep than to witness our victory over HCJC!! not only is esther super-pissed with you, I AM ULTRA-DISSATISFIED WITH YOU TOO!!!
you know what?
maybe esther and i aren't that interested in dining with the real masalah anymore. how's that, esther? *smirks*
you'd better think of a good way to convince esther, and ME when i make my star appearance this friday, or following week. i DO have to get my leaving papers done. bothersome. friday's a good day, since there's no oikos, not surprisingly. so esther, please please please postpone your tuition!
and jean, you'd better stop harping on HK trips, cos' i'm already feeling very sore from not going for my music missions.
saw zihao today, but didn't manage to catch linwei. quite sad about it. i hope she's well. esther and jean, send my regards to her, yeah?
reallyreally miss art, art room and company.
come to think of it, basically anything and everything but council. shoot, but i got spotted by who but fely. heard that nobody wants to join 27th council. i'm so sorry to hear that council's ruined in our 26th's hands. i'm even sorrier to say that i'm part of 26th. WAS. *shudders* LTC - eeeks. i shd have just stayed with debates in speakers'.
well, i still take pride in being 'once a saint, always a saint'! you can take debbeee out of SA, but you can never take SA out of debbeee
d e b b e e e kvetched at 11:40 PM
oops. i just told a little lie. God forgive me.
i told this person that i'm a grossly fat gal. and that person actually believed me. hah! feeling a l'il guilty, but hey, it's all just for entertainment for both parties. in fact, i do FEEL fat. don't worry.. i'm not going anorexic. i'm just going bullemic. hah. kidding. and i claimed that i don't exercise at all, am wasting away into a useless blob of oozing waste. whahahahahaha!! it doesn't help to not add that i used to dance, and that i don not consider dancing as a sport. dear me, am 40++kg currently, but upon the fact that i'm standing at a paltry height of 158cm, it seems FAT to me. i am trying to shed those flabs to attain 40kg, a nice round number. the best part is that person concluded that fat gals are easier to talk to. how ironic.
now on to more serious matters.
i feel rather forlorn. yeah, that's the word. amanda's not going for her mission trip, too. i've a vague idea why, but i believe God has his timing and plans. wanted to blog about this korean show i watched late sunday night, entitled 'prison soccer'. sounds lame, and it's a lame show all right, but when i turned in to bed after the show, i felt too upset over the kind of love the fellow-prisoners had for one another in the prison soccer-tournament. they actually willingly prolonged their sentences just to allow the criminal (their team captain) who was due for death penalty to live another year. all their precious time added up in exchange for a murderer's year-long pardon.
it was just a fraction of the love Jesus had for me.
he sacrificed his sinless life to buy my eternal life.
it's just kind of hard for my little mind to fathom how could this be. i'm trying my best, to feel this love, to understanmd the fact that God really loves me so much. i'm so undeserving, yet.
amazing love, how can it be?
that you my King, would die for me.
amazing love, i know it's true,
and it's my joy to honour You.
in all i do, i honour You.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 11:40 PM
Monday, May 17
yays!
i've found a place to live once i start school in ngee ann! courtesy of a very good girl-friend, i'll be sponging off her place in Bukit Timah, which is in close proximity.
tee-hee!
God is good. All the time.
it'll be a brand new start for me this coming june. test of my determination, perseverance, principles and -ugh- diligence. i'm quivering in anticipation at the new hurdles facing me in this long, hard race. i'm going to block out all distractions and unnecessary burdens to concentrate on academic excellence. i'm going to be really nerdy in school. hmm.. debbeee the geeky.. sounds good, huh? i'm not going to turn into a social butterfly in poly. i certainly hope not.
but come to think about it, in order to earn myself a scholarship, i have to be 'actively involved' in school events or similars.
@$#$%^&*##@#!!!!
okay. maybe. just maybe i will have to be a l'il more active, , then.
what do YOU think?
d e b b e e e kvetched at 11:20 PM
the ultimate slogan generator
samples:
Double the Pleasure, Double the Debbeee.
Doing It Right Before Your Debbeee.
It's Just For Me And My Debbeee.
Reach for the Debbeee.
No Debbeee, No Comment.
right. that's so cool. i just love the last one. it's like No ME, No Comment. hahahahaha~ yes, upon seeing that my emotions are considerably lighter, i would say it's a fabulous feeling. i'm starting to learn how to lean on God.
let me say, IT'S A FUNTABULASTIC ACT.
just let go. and lean!
i feel so much at ease, because compared to puny, whiny me, God has so much more confidence, grace and powers. how could anyone rely on themselves alone?
look. this is my first shot at really getting to know God is real. for real. and underneath all that composure, i'm actually a complex of frantic, doubtful, cynical nerves.
head knowledge can never win heart feelings, you realise?
i want to live a life of freedom, of release, of God.
i don't want rules, standards, the world - i've had enough of rigidity.
i'm morphing, into a better me.
i want to give EVERYTHING for love, and find out that it's all worth.
i want to rediscover my love for Him, and have the time of my life all over again, on a higher level. will you?
d e b b e e e kvetched at 6:22 PM
Sunday, May 16
life has a way of surprising me at times.
hang on.
make that shocking.
a second ago, i was riding high. a flash later, i've been hurled down to the lowest pit. what's more, i became the ultra-magnet for problems to bury me alive.
but i know i can only turn to God. maybe that's how God's going to bring me back to His arms.
thank God
d e b b e e e kvetched at 10:55 PM
Wednesday, May 12
If the rain was blue,
it would be of little wonder.
To feel as what i see.
Or rather,
see as what i feel.
a senseless thought,
a peculiar notion.
a woman of no importance.
a mind-boggling theory,
a remarkable concept.
a man of utmost genius.
who to define? who to challenge?
who to condemn, and who to acclaim?
Once too often,
emotions cloud our sight;
Twice too frequent,
seeing straps our love;
Thrice aplenty,
like ancient vines upon the trellis,
an intricate pattern
Fate has spun.
Tenderly intertwined,
Manقs enigma.
Alas,
Never will the rain be blue.
Rules.
Rules annul all that we are.
Spirit, body and soul.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 1:24 PM
Sunday, May 2
i am such a kvetch.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 10:22 PM
i am disgusted with myself, with the seemingly friendly acquaintances around me, with MYSELF. schizophrenia, you say? as you like it. i wonder why i wasn't born during the Renaissance. perhaps because God knew i would not have been able to pull it through. i wonder if civilisation had did our kind any good, seeing that we are none too civil. yes, not exclusive of yours truly. has wit and satiric humour proven to be of no worth? or did trends smother the beauty of such? i would love to hear mundanity's triumph over exhilarity, coupled with the curse of dim-wit. i am NOT at all eager to admit my folly and lack of intellect, but the spontaneity of the reverse response suceeded in culminating a retching in me.
d e b b e e e kvetched at 10:22 PM
Saturday, May 1
THE desire of beauty, the love of art for it's own sake... for art comes to you, proposing frankly to give nothing but the highest quality to your moments as they pass.
TO burn always with this hard, gem-like flame, to maintain this ecstasy, is success in life.
- Walter Pater, Aestheticism, Studies in the History of the Renaissance
to suscribe to such noble aspirations as Aestheticism, requires courage, no less than that of a kamikaze pilot. even as the glittery gems of beauty stay within reach, tantalising and indeed, offering beyond measure, the wonders of delightful indulgence. one could hardly muster enough of social-apathy, for realisation of unfathomable beliefs, merely to those of a certain lacking in dandy wit.
of most guarantee, dandyism, as proposed to be of wasteful excessivity and artificiality, could not be grasped in its very essence, by a people who thought little of life's frivolity, yet importing the exact implication into their own judgement. the scathing truth of mismatch in ideals, are most unusually overlooked, to be ousted by falsehoods of, undoubtedly, increasingly fashionable uncouthness and shallow intellect. treasured are those, who recognise such worth, halting to claim, or even covet, for life's most ornate fineries in futile attempts to, then, convince the mulish of their bane.
won't you?
... cheers...
d e b b e e e kvetched at 10:03 PM